Give Us Equal Time During the ‘Doggone’ Holidays
Rescue dogs Lucy (left) and Mo waiting for McCoy, December 2004.
Merry Christmas
This month features a guest writer’s work from my archives. In December 2004, my shelter dog Lucy filled in as a guest columnist for my op-ed column in the Peninsula Gateway newspaper. She penned this jewel, which was her debut chapter for her yet-to-be-written, future best-selling, and likely-to-be-banned book, Bible Stories for Semi-Believers.
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Talk about horrible timing. It was one of the biggest nights in history, and guess who got left out of the big story? The dog!
It was the first Christmas. Joseph and Mary had been turned away from the Inn and were camping in a stable In Bethlehem. Just as they were getting settled in their campsite, the festivities started. They were still trying to get comfortable when, low and behold, Jesus was born.
Mary and Joseph were thrilled, but unfortunately things soon got a bit tense. A bunch of shepherds and angels started hanging around. They kept singing loudly and praying non-stop. Then some obnoxious kid with a drum walked up beside Jesus and started pounding out drum solos. The commotion tipped off the press and before long a reporter from the Bible showed up. The rest is history.
But there was something missing from that history. You see, the most practical member of Joseph's traveling pack that night was the family dog. Joseph had made the mistake of reserving a room at an Inn that didn't allow pets, so the family was forced to camp in the stable. It had been a long trip to Bethlehem. The family was tired and the dog was hungry. So 'Holy Rover' wandered off looking for food. As luck would have it, the dog missed the birth of the long-awaited Messiah.
When Jesus was born, Holy Rover was behind the stable rummaging through the garbage. It was bad enough that Man's Best Friend was out tipping trash cans when all the family Christmas photos were taken. But then Holy Rover trotted back into the stable gagging on a chicken bone, and the Bible reporter had seen enough. He was so disgusted he erased all mention of the dog in his story. Thus, Holy Rover was forever stricken from the Scriptures.
What are we dogs to do? For over two thousand years we've been trying to correct this omission, trying to get our fair recognition during the holidays. Yet we can't get a break. It’s not just the religious traditions – we dogs are ignored in every doggone holiday legend.
The Santa Claus legend is a good example. Have you ever heard about Santa's dog being in his sleigh? NO! Mention Santa and all the talk is about reindeer and elves. No one says a word about his dog. The truth is that Santa travels with a dog, a BIG dog! Because anyone who makes a living sneaking into other people's homes at night has a dog. Santa's dog is a pit bull from the shelter that wears thick chains. Think about it – if a homeowner finds Santa prowling around their living room in the middle of the night, what good is a reindeer?
Then there's Frosty the Snowman. No mention of us dogs in that tale either. As the story goes, someone puts a hat on Frosty and the next thing you know he's trespassing all over the neighborhood.
Every self-respecting hound knows it wasn't a warm day that ended Frosty's rampage. It was the neighborhood dogs. They were the heroes! They kept lifting their legs and ‘marking’ Frosty. We dogs ended the crazy snowman's romp by turning Frosty into a ball of yellow slush.
All of this is no coincidence. It's a doggone conspiracy! It’s because humans want to keep our K-9 simplicity out of your holiday celebrations. It is high time to shift your thinking.
Start celebrating the holiday season the way a dog does. First, get to know your neighbors. Walk into their yard and use it as a toilet. They'll be out greeting you in no time. Then take a nap. When you wake up, entertain yourself with simple holiday pleasures. Knock over the Christmas tree just for fun.
When it's time for the holiday feast, don't fret about the menu. Just jump around hysterically and be happy you get to eat. For a festive twist, knock the dish out of the server's hand and pretend the flying food is from a piñata. Most importantly, help a neighbor. Share your good fortune with someone who needs your attention.
Here's what my kennel-mate Mo and I plan to do this year. We'll sit outside waiting for our neighbor Bob McCoy to pass by on his daily walk. We'll listen once again to his non-stop insulting shelter dog jokes.
We know McCoy needs our attention, so we plan to share our own brand of holiday cheer with him. We'll bark, growl, and chase McCoy right back to his house on the other side of Raft Island! Thanks to us he will finally learn, as Santa did, the value of having a REAL dog to protect his backside!
Best of all, when we chase McCoy we will be re-enacting a dog’s forgotten role in the Christmas story. Mo and I will do exactly what Holy Rover did that night when he charged after the drummer boy and the singing shepherds. We'll remind you humans that Peace on Earth begins after the family dog goes wild and chases away your uninvited holiday guests!
From our pack to yours, best wishes for a festive holiday season. Enjoy your holidays!
Lucy the Shelter Dog, 2004